Women on The Bachelor milk goats, shovel manure to learn about farming

20 Jan 2015 | Author: | No comments yet »

‘The Bachelor’ recap, Jimmy Kimmel and more kissing in Week 3.

First thing’s first. It was a clash of ABC shows Monday night when Jimmy Kimmel took a hiatus from his hosting duties at “Jimmy Kimmel Live” to be a cohost of “The Bachelor” with regular host Chris Harrison. In your few weeks as a contestant vying to snare the heart of the ‘Bachelor’ on the ABC win-a-spouse show, you’ve managed to establish your posterior as one of the most famous in prime-time TV. Jimmy told the women that they say “amazing” too much during the show and presented them with an “Amazing Jar” that they had to put a dollar in any time they said the word.

Jimmy announces to the “sister-wives” that he is here to help Chris with some tough decisions, a task that will require “making love to each one of you.” Cue nervous laughter Jimmy arrives equipped with his “amazing” jar. Throughout the show, he pops up, planning dates, acting as a third wheel on a one-on-one with Bachelor Chris and Kaitlyn, which is where we began our journey. Much of the screen time for Jillian Anderson, the Washington local — we can call her that, since she’s a former Redskins ambassador and producer at Washington’s Fox News Bureau — has involved a black bar stretched across her rear. Whether she’s running in a bikini or hopping a fence into a pig sty (really, that happened — the bachelor in question is a farmer, so this impresses him or something) or working out, Anderson has stood out from the pack… mostly because of that post-production censoring of her nether regions.

At the end of the show, maybe we’ll buy this house and all live here together.” (Throughout the episode there was a “ding” sound whenever someone used the word. Chris Harrison introduces the girls to Jimmy Kimmel and they all cheer loudly, validating how important this 15 (maybe 20, if they become the next Bachelorette) minutes of fame is to them. OK, putting that behind us (ahem) here’s where we are: on Monday night’s episode, Anderson tried a bold gambit by showing up in bachelor’s Chris Soules’ hot tub and staying for an extended hangout (awkward!), which inspired some jealousy among her co-contestants. As Chris grilled steaks at his place that night, Jimmy grilled Kaitlyn about her dating history, asking her if she had ever dated a farmer and if she would be angry about Chris potentially sleeping with multiple women during fantasy suite week.

The trio had dinner together and Chris gave Kaitlyn a rose — in front of Jimmy, who wouldn’t stop teasing them and even climbed into the hot tub with them. Also, if you don’t mind, pick up this stuff for me: two-pack of beef jerky, size 33 jeans your choice, a tub of mayo, enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” “If you do want my advice, I would say try to have sex with everyone on the show.

Jimmy also planned the week’s group date, sending the women to a farming competition to see how well they would adapt to Chris’ farmer life in Iowa. Chris and the women had a party later that night and the claws started to come out, as women began to vocalize their jealously about Chris talking to and kissing other women. The date card promise them access to an “exclusive club” with “high ceilings” and “sweeping views.” They think they’re headed for an extravagant outing until the limo rolls up to Costco.

However, one woman, Becca, told Chris she didn’t feel comfortable kissing him yet because “it wasn’t normal” and wanted to wait until she was ready. Jimmy leaves the first date card and we learn it’s for Kaitlyn, the girl who told Chris he can “plow the f— out of her field any day he wants.” As if this show couldn’t be any more scripted; of course they pick this season’s “funny girl” to go on a date with The Bachelor and comedian Jimmy Kimmel. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await.” To which she responds “OK!!!” in a way that sounds like she’s filming an episode of “Laguna Beach” at brunch in The Valley. Kimmel, who is still hanging out, has called this date a “Hoedown Throwdown.” Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly will go through an obstacle course of sorts where they’ll have to shuck corn, crack eggs — but first they must find the eggs in a chicken coop — milk a goat and then DRINK the warm milk, shovel manure and wrestle a greased pig.

I’m no fashionista, but Kaitlyn is wearing a tube crop top with a long skirt, flip flops and a flannel while Chris wears a button-down that he forgot to button. Another woman, Ashley, gave Jillian just a couple of minutes to be alone with Chris, and became angry when Jillian didn’t want to give up her time so soon. As third wheel, Jimmy feels like his role is to ask the hard questions: namely, will Kaitlyn be mad if she finds out Chris made “sweet, sweet, sweet love” to three other women in the Fantasy Suite?” “You can’t buy a car without test driving it,” she quips, instantly endearing her to Jimmy. “Come on now,” he says to Chris, “it’s not going to get any better than this.” Jimmy likes this pair so much he suggests a threesome. #kiddingnotkidding At the date’s conclusion, Chris, with much sputtering, manages to award the rose to Kaitlyn. Jimmy makes one final dig at Chris’s terrible speaking skills (“Are there people on the farm or just animals?”) and then gives the couple a few minutes of alone time. For the third time, I think “gross.” After suffering through that terribly boring date, Becca, America’s Sweetheart, reads date card number two.

The best part was when sweet Mackenzie, who is only 21 and received the first kiss from Chris in Week 2, approached him and asked why he’s kissing so many of the girls. Fun fact: her brother-in-law is Jacob Hester, who played running back at LSU and was a key piece for the Tigers when they won the 2007 national championship. After a commercial, the show continues with Jillian, the news reporter from D.C. who does flips outside of the White House because she lives in DC, WODing by herself outside of the mansion. While this is impressive, there is still a black box covering her “private area.” Despite how in shape you are, girl, you may want to take a quick workout break to fix that business.

In other “ABC knows what they’re doing” news, the producers show Amber, this season’s only black contestant, saying about the goat milk, “The way Kelsey described it is warm and salty. As their conversation deepens, Chris begins listing the qualities he likes in a woman: positive, fun, spontaneous… Whitney absorbs this information as if she’s studying for the SATs. The group of 46 women and Bachelor Chris go to Lowes Hollywood Hotel, and I would really like to know how many L.A. hotels are paid sponsors of this show. We assumed the producers set this up, but Chris looks so awkward and terrified that we almost believe this an impromptu suggestion from eager-to-please Whitney.

Now you’re kissing everyone.” We learn quickly that Bachelor Chris’ tell sign when he’s uncomfortable is to clear his throat, because he does so about 10 times. After Mackenzie’s interrogation, Becca gets some alone time with the man of the hour, reiterating that she is this season’s “sweetheart.” Bachelor Chris stares at her lips the entire time she talks. It’s all fun and games until Juelia pulls Chris aside and shares, in harrowing detail, what we learned last episode — her husband committed suicide shortly after their wedding. I hope Whitney gets to use Instagram while she’s filming, because she seems like the kind of girl who would Instagram her and a guy she’s known for three days wearing matching outfits at a winery in Malibu. When they sit down with their wine, Whitney asks Bachelor Chris, “What are you looking for?” To which he responds, “I need a girl that can roll the cob,” explaining that means that she can “shoot the shit.” And, come on Prince Farming, we know what “roll the cob” actually means.

Whitney suggests they crash it by saying “YOLO.” Her saying “YOLO” was the most exciting part of this entire date and I cross my fingers that ABC brings Drake on as a performer in an upcoming episode. As the eventful day draws to a close, roses go to Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, and Ashley I. They show Jimmy Kimmel in the shower with him and I think, “you’re not Chelsea Handler or Ellen DeGeneres, bros.” Bachelor Chris says “it’s good to know Jimmy Kimmel has my back” while Jimmy Kimmel rubs soap on Chris’ back.

The producers I’m dying to meet zoom into Kardashian saying that she wanted to look more Kardashian tonight, but those dreams are ruined because it’s a pool party. The first girl to take Bachelor Chris aside is Juelia, who I still forgot was a contestant, and she tells him the story of her ex-husband committing suicide. During this time, Megan the makeup artist asks if she (her makeup) looks “cracky” and Mackenzie says, “like a crack whore?” Now I want more details on Kale’s father.

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