‘The Bachelor’ recap, Jimmy Kimmel and more kissing in Week 3

20 Jan 2015 | Author: | No comments yet »

‘The Bachelor’ recap, Jimmy Kimmel and more kissing in Week 3.

We begin with a snapshot of Bachelor Chris in the outdoor shower he loves so much — with Jimmy Kimmel. It was a clash of ABC shows Monday night when Jimmy Kimmel took a hiatus from his hosting duties at “Jimmy Kimmel Live” to be a cohost of “The Bachelor” with regular host Chris Harrison.

It was Jimmy Kimmel’s night to guest-host The Bachelor and the talk show host brought a welcome dose of humour to the proceedings, surprising Chris at his bachelor pad, tagging along on parts of the first two dates and helping out at the rose ceremony. Jimmy told the women that they say “amazing” too much during the show and presented them with an “Amazing Jar” that they had to put a dollar in any time they said the word. Jimmy announces to the “sister-wives” that he is here to help Chris with some tough decisions, a task that will require “making love to each one of you.” Cue nervous laughter Jimmy arrives equipped with his “amazing” jar. After a bittersweet exit from Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette, the farmer from Arlington, Iowa, is searching for love once again on ABC’s hit franchise.

He sent Chris and Kaitlyn a curveball on their one-on-one when their limo pulled up to not a helicopter or a picnic but…Costco. “It wasn’t the most ideal first date but we made the best of it,” Chris said after he and Kaitlyn ran around the store to grab the items off Jimmy’s list. At the end of the show, maybe we’ll buy this house and all live here together.” (Throughout the episode there was a “ding” sound whenever someone used the word. Chris Harrison introduces the girls to Jimmy Kimmel and they all cheer loudly, validating how important this 15 (maybe 20, if they become the next Bachelorette) minutes of fame is to them. As Chris grilled steaks at his place that night, Jimmy grilled Kaitlyn about her dating history, asking her if she had ever dated a farmer and if she would be angry about Chris potentially sleeping with multiple women during fantasy suite week.

The trio had dinner together and Chris gave Kaitlyn a rose — in front of Jimmy, who wouldn’t stop teasing them and even climbed into the hot tub with them. Also, if you don’t mind, pick up this stuff for me: two-pack of beef jerky, size 33 jeans your choice, a tub of mayo, enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.” “If you do want my advice, I would say try to have sex with everyone on the show.

Jimmy also planned the week’s group date, sending the women to a farming competition to see how well they would adapt to Chris’ farmer life in Iowa. Chris and the women had a party later that night and the claws started to come out, as women began to vocalize their jealously about Chris talking to and kissing other women. The date card promise them access to an “exclusive club” with “high ceilings” and “sweeping views.” They think they’re headed for an extravagant outing until the limo rolls up to Costco. Chris kissed Kaitlyn in a giant plastic ball at Costco; he kissed Jade on his bed; he kissed Jillian in a hot tub; he kissed Ashley I. on a balcony railing; he kissed Amber and Britt and Whitney. However, one woman, Becca, told Chris she didn’t feel comfortable kissing him yet because “it wasn’t normal” and wanted to wait until she was ready.

He would have kissed Becca, too, but she refused. “There’s a fair amount of kissing going on, which is the point of this whole deal,” Chris said at one point. “When there’s a moment with a person that feels right and it makes sense, I’m gonna do that. I’m here to find a wife and I’m trying to make it as real as possible and forget about the fact there’s a bunch of different women.” Despite all the smooching, some of it in clear view of others, drama between the women was non-existent.

Ashley I. got teary when Jillian wouldn’t give her some alone time, but that was about it. “It’s time we get up, it’s time to say hello to the girls. Sweeping views, vaulted ceilings and unlimited hors d’oeuvres await.” To which she responds “OK!!!” in a way that sounds like she’s filming an episode of “Laguna Beach” at brunch in The Valley. Cardinal rule number one of the “Bachelor” is to always pretend that you’re in a good mood, even when your glamorous dream date turns into a bargain shopping trip. I’m no fashionista, but Kaitlyn is wearing a tube crop top with a long skirt, flip flops and a flannel while Chris wears a button-down that he forgot to button. Another woman, Ashley, gave Jillian just a couple of minutes to be alone with Chris, and became angry when Jillian didn’t want to give up her time so soon.

As third wheel, Jimmy feels like his role is to ask the hard questions: namely, will Kaitlyn be mad if she finds out Chris made “sweet, sweet, sweet love” to three other women in the Fantasy Suite?” “You can’t buy a car without test driving it,” she quips, instantly endearing her to Jimmy. “Come on now,” he says to Chris, “it’s not going to get any better than this.” Jimmy likes this pair so much he suggests a threesome. #kiddingnotkidding At the date’s conclusion, Chris, with much sputtering, manages to award the rose to Kaitlyn. Jimmy makes one final dig at Chris’s terrible speaking skills (“Are there people on the farm or just animals?”) and then gives the couple a few minutes of alone time. In the second farm-themed group date of the season, a dozen ladies (Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracey, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber Juelia, Ashley S., Samantha, Nikki, and Carly) are forced to cheerfully humiliate themselves in an Iowa-friendly relay race. In the final challenge, Carly figured out that chasing piglets was counterproductive and it was better to wait for one to come to you, which it did, so she won.

For the third time, I think “gross.” After suffering through that terribly boring date, Becca, America’s Sweetheart, reads date card number two. At the group cocktail party, she snatched Chris away for alone time the instant the other women planted their bums on seats. “I get kind of nervous around you, and I know that I’m, like, girlie and sweet, but you are a man and I am a woman so I just wanted to take advantage,” Carly told him before grabbing his face and kissing him. Someone objected, however: Mackenzie could dish it out, as far as telling everyone else in the house how many times Chris kissed her on their date, but she couldn’t take it. After a commercial, the show continues with Jillian, the news reporter from D.C. who does flips outside of the White House because she lives in DC, WODing by herself outside of the mansion. While this is impressive, there is still a black box covering her “private area.” Despite how in shape you are, girl, you may want to take a quick workout break to fix that business.

Date No. 3, with Whitney: Despite another date card from Jimmy with the message “Today is going to be fun, no whining,” this was your standard Bachelor date: picnicking amid the beautiful scenery of Saddlerock Ranch in Malibu. Chris just happened to tell Whitney he admired the type of woman who could walk into a crowd and make friends with “Joe Blow you don’t know from a hole in the wall.” And then he just happened to look over his shoulder and spot a group of people who were so far away the camera couldn’t get a proper fix on them. Am I watching “The Bachelor” or “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge?” We learn that the women are being subjected to a series of “farm challenges” that include shucking corn, finding and cooking a chickens egg, milking a goat and drinking said milk, and wrestling with a pig. And despite the fact they were being filmed (from a distance, but still) and they were miked and that Chris asked the bride’s sister, the maid of honour, how she knew the bride, nobody blew their cover. In other “ABC knows what they’re doing” news, the producers show Amber, this season’s only black contestant, saying about the goat milk, “The way Kelsey described it is warm and salty.

As their conversation deepens, Chris begins listing the qualities he likes in a woman: positive, fun, spontaneous… Whitney absorbs this information as if she’s studying for the SATs. We hadn’t had enough exposed flesh for one episode, I guess, notwithstanding the shots of Chris, sweaty and bare-chested, doing an outdoor abdominal workout. The group of 46 women and Bachelor Chris go to Lowes Hollywood Hotel, and I would really like to know how many L.A. hotels are paid sponsors of this show. That kind of negates Kaitlyn’s comment: “So Chris takes his shirt off and jumps in the pool and all the girl are like sharks on a little innocent sea lion.” Innocent, my butt. We assumed the producers set this up, but Chris looks so awkward and terrified that we almost believe this an impromptu suggestion from eager-to-please Whitney.

Juelia described her husband, who had mental health issues, snapping “like I’ve never seen a human being snap” the night before he killed himself, grabbing his gun and screaming, forcing her to flee with her daughter in fear for her life. Now you’re kissing everyone.” We learn quickly that Bachelor Chris’ tell sign when he’s uncomfortable is to clear his throat, because he does so about 10 times. That tour inevitably led to the bedroom, where Chris showed how he would test the hotel beds when he was on The Bachelorette by jumping on them, which led to Jade jumping on his bed, which led to snuggling and smooching. Now, here’s the truth: I’ve basically never done most of those things in my life, and whoever ends up being my wife is definitely never going to have to milk a goat, or wrestle a grease-covered pig. It’s all fun and games until Juelia pulls Chris aside and shares, in harrowing detail, what we learned last episode — her husband committed suicide shortly after their wedding.

The Rose Ceremony: Kimmel sent Chris off to the ceremony with the words, “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself, be someone who makes better speeches,” advice that Chris did not follow. Roses went to Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S. (who we didn’t hear a peep from all episode), Nikki, Jillian and Ashley I. I hope Whitney gets to use Instagram while she’s filming, because she seems like the kind of girl who would Instagram her and a guy she’s known for three days wearing matching outfits at a winery in Malibu. When they sit down with their wine, Whitney asks Bachelor Chris, “What are you looking for?” To which he responds, “I need a girl that can roll the cob,” explaining that means that she can “shoot the shit.” And, come on Prince Farming, we know what “roll the cob” actually means. Whitney suggests they crash it by saying “YOLO.” Her saying “YOLO” was the most exciting part of this entire date and I cross my fingers that ABC brings Drake on as a performer in an upcoming episode.

They talk to the other guests, dance with each other, try to catch the bouquet, make out. (Eight girls, three nights.) The commercial break ends with Bachelor Chris working out (he and Jillian should WOD together) and taking another outdoor shower. They show Jimmy Kimmel in the shower with him and I think, “you’re not Chelsea Handler or Ellen DeGeneres, bros.” Bachelor Chris says “it’s good to know Jimmy Kimmel has my back” while Jimmy Kimmel rubs soap on Chris’ back. I know I’ve maybe kissed more girls at this point than the average Bachelor, but I was taking things seriously, and isn’t kissing a huge part of any romantic relationship? The producers I’m dying to meet zoom into Kardashian saying that she wanted to look more Kardashian tonight, but those dreams are ruined because it’s a pool party.

The first girl to take Bachelor Chris aside is Juelia, who I still forgot was a contestant, and she tells him the story of her ex-husband committing suicide. During this time, Megan the makeup artist asks if she (her makeup) looks “cracky” and Mackenzie says, “like a crack whore?” Now I want more details on Kale’s father. I did feel bad that Jillian didn’t give her the chance to talk to me, because I wanted to talk to her, but that whole laugh/cry thing is very confusing to us men. But having Jimmy Kimmel around certainly lightened the mood, and we all had a really hard time keeping a straight face when he came in to announce the final rose of the evening.

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